First of all, some disclaimers.
Disclaimer #1: My family isn’t really into over-the-top celebrations. Our wedding was pretty low key, we rarely had big traditional birthday parties for our kids, and even Christmas, compared to almost everyone else, is, for us, mostly a time to slow down, rest, relax and be together. I am not a creative decorator, and although I love to cook and bake, it is a stretch for me to make any of those wonderfully dramatic birthday cakes you see on Pinterest (or at almost any other kid’s birthday party).
Mother’s Day, especially, is almost non-existent in our family, because it almost always falls on Convocation weekend, the busiest weekend in my husband’s professional life. I’m lucky if I see him for more than a couple of hours from Friday morning until Monday night. Because of this, fairly early on, my husband and children decided that they would have a “surprise” Mother’s Day for me, so it happened any time between the beginning of May and the middle of June, and usually consisted of cards, chocolate, small gifts, and maybe breakfast in bed.
Disclaimer #2: I am not one of those women who will threaten to leave my husband if I don’t get a new piece of jewellery or a spa day every anniversary or birthday or Mother’s Day. For one thing, we are not in that income bracket. But mostly, that’s just not who I am. My family knows that all I really want on Mother’s Day, or any day, for that matter, is a nice piece of chocolate and a little bit of love (or this year, some really cheesy garlic fingers and pizza). So I am not defending the commercial idea of Mother’s Day as a day to get me some new bling.
Disclaimer #3: I love being a mother. It is the most honest thing I’ve ever done. Being a mother has changed me in a thousand ways that I could list for you, and probably another thousand ways that I’m not even aware of. I have never regretted our decision to have children, and, although it has been difficult financially and socially at times, I have never regretted my decision to stay home with my kids.
However...
In these days of political correctness and radical inclusiveness, there are a few attitudes about “motherhood” that make me feel defensive and apologetic and guilty, sometimes all at the same time.
First, and most annoying as far as I am concerned, I am constantly informed that having a “furbaby” is as valid a form of motherhood as having a human baby. Really? Does a “furbaby” come home crying from school because the other “furbabies” were mean to it? Or because a “furboyfriend/girlfriend” just broke up with it? Do “furbabies” spend a lot of time stressed out because of all the wicked things that happen in the world, and all the choices that lie in front of them, and all the pressures to succeed? Do “furbabies” suffer with mental health issues? I apologize; I realize that pets are important parts of people’s lives, and I do not want to minimize the very significant impact that pets can have on a family. But it doesn’t matter how much you love your pets or how much you attempt to humanize them, having a pet is nothing like having a child. Nothing. And I am insulted by the inference that parenthood is that simple.
Second, some discussions about how Mother’s Day affects women without children make me feel guilty and apologetic. And resentful for feeling that way. I once attended a church service on Mother’s Day where the (female, unmarried and childless) minister spoke bitterly about how alienating Mother’s Day was for her, as she had neither children nor a good relationship with her own mother, and how insensitive and selfish it was for mothers to basically flaunt their motherhood in the faces of those women who were not mothers. She made it appear that not having children was somehow a massive failure, and she made me feel guilty and selfish for having children and a husband when she did not. I admit, I was angry after that sermon. Instead of taking the opportunity to talk about the nurturing and yes, mothering qualities that a healthy church and community should have, and instead of acknowledging and encouraging and supporting the young mothers in the congregation, she left me (at least) feeling that I needed to apologize for my choices to marry and have children. (And here I insert Disclaimer #4 – I would be very happy if churches did not “celebrate” Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. But if they have to, there are plenty of ways that they could be much more theological about it).
Let me be perfectly clear. My heart breaks for those women (and men) who have lost babies and children, or who desire children but cannot have them. I weep with those parents whose children have gone down dark roads, or who suffer from debilitating and life-threatening illnesses. I completely understand that the way our society “does” Mother’s Day can be alienating and hurtful for many women, for various reasons.
But although I empathize with these women, I do not believe that their circumstances should minimize my own mothering. I have been fortunate. I have a loving and supportive partner in parenting, and my children have (so far) been healthy, mostly happy, and are now independent and following their own life paths. But being a mother is bloody hard sometimes, and I suspect that for many, many mothers, it is done without any encouragement, validation or recognition.
I have friends who don’t have children, including an aunt and one of my closest friends. Though they might not realize it, they have each “mothered” and nurtured and supported me and my children significantly. I do not think less of them because they do not have children. Their lives are not any less meaningful or real or fulfilled than mine.
Third, among modern mothers, there is a great deal of tension. It seems to me that in recent years, motherhood has become much more polarizing. On one end of the spectrum, we have the “good mothers.” They use cloth diapers, breastfeed exclusively as long as possible, feed their babies organic homemade baby food, and they practice “attachment parenting,” “co-sleeping” and “baby-wearing.” They are super-involved in their kids’ schools, sports teams, play groups, and well, their entire lives. On the other end of the spectrum, there are the “bad mothers”: those who use formula and disposable diapers, who stock up on store-bought baby food, and who plant their kids in front of the tv with a bowl of potato chips because they JUST. NEED. FIFTEEN. MINUTES. OF. PEACE. Or, as in Winnipeg recently, they let their children play outdoors UNSUPERVISED. Or even worse, they go back to work and their children are left in the care of others. Motherhood has become a competition, a judgmental battle of moral (and economic) superiority.
The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women, written by French feminist Elisabeth Badinter in 2010, discusses this last point. She looks at motherhood through a completely feminist lens and argues that the zealous dedication of modern mothers actually “tethers” them to their homes and children to an extent that hasn’t been seen since the 1950s, before modern feminism really took root. Although I disagreed with much of what she wrote, I found myself agreeing with much of it too. Badinter argues that the choices that modern day “good mothers” make have actually marked a significant regression in women’s rights. She writes “... there is no denying that male domination persists... [Women’s] increased responsibility for babies and young children has proved just as restrictive, if not more so, than sexism in the home or in the workplace... The tyranny of maternal duty is not new, but it has become considerably more pronounced with the rise of naturalism, and it has thus far produced neither a matriarchy nor sexual equality, but rather a regression in women’s status. We have agreed to this regression in the name of moral superiority, the love we bear for our children, and some ideal notion of child rearing, all of which are proving far more effective than external constraints... there is nothing quite like voluntary servitude. And men have not had to lift a finger to accomplish this fall. The best allies of men’s dominance have been, quite unwittingly, innocent children” (pp 96-97). In other words, if I am interpreting her correctly, the way that modern mothers choose to be mothers, dedicating themselves completely to every need of their children, is actually detracting from struggles towards equality, and supporting “male domination” in our society.
That’s a pretty provocative statement, and as a woman who chose to stay at home with her children (and who breastfed, used cloth diapers, and made baby food), my initial reaction was pretty negative. But after some reflection, I think her point is that the modern motherhood movement seems to have lost all sense of balance and common sense. Many modern mothers have dedicated themselves to their children to the extent that they have lost their own identities and any sense of being independent people. In doing so, we create children who feel entitled to having every moment of attention focussed on them, from the day they are born, because we make sure that every need is immediately met, they have the best of everything, and every possible intervention is provided, even if it isn’t really needed. We raise children who are incapable of becoming independent adults without a great deal of assistance. Motherhood should include, as Signe Hammer wrote, “taking care of someone who is dependent and at the same time supporting that person in his or her efforts to become independent.” And even though Badinter is more concerned with the status of feminism than she is with family dynamics, I think we can also agree that these expectations of what makes a “good” modern mother has created a huge disconnect among parents, women who can afford to stay at home with their children and those who can’t, those who believe their place in the working world is as valid as their place in the home and those who choose to stay at home, and among mothers of different socio-economic groups.
If I was a young mum today, I’d definitely be at the “bad” end of the scale. I chose an obstetrician over a midwife and had my babies in hospitals. My kids thrived on a schedule, including feeding, they slept in their own rooms from the beginning, in a cradle and then a crib, and although I believe in the power (and the importance) of baby snuggles, I was not a baby-wearer. I would not have been able to cope otherwise, not because my children were demanding, but because that is not who I am. I made the choices, with my husband, that I believed were the best ones for me and my family, and I regret none of them.
Would I care if society “cancelled” Mother’s Day? Honestly, I wouldn’t. But I have two great kids and a husband and a whole network of people out there, women and men, who consistently affirm me as a mother AND a woman. There are many mothers who are raising children by themselves. Or who have kids who are sick. Or kids (or spouses or others) who treat them with disrespect or are rude and sassy. Or families and networks that are just not supportive. Instead of competing with each other, and discussing who is doing it “right” and who is doing it “wrong,” we should be encouraging each other, and respecting the judgment and ability of women to make the decisions that are right for them, and for their children, even if they are not the decisions we would make ourselves.
So here’s my bottom line. Motherhood is not easy. It isn’t always rewarding. One day a year to honour the nurturing and loving qualities of mothers, and everything that is good about motherhood, doesn’t seem like a lot to ask.
On Mother’s Day, I will celebrate those women who have been mothers to me, first and foremost, my own mother, but also my mother-in-law, my aunts, my friends, and all the other women in my life. I will celebrate my own motherhood, the joys and blessings, the challenges, the many ways motherhood has changed me for the better. I will celebrate, and say a prayer for, the mums who are struggling or who feel that they are failing, but still wake up every morning determined to do the best that they can for their families. I will celebrate the fact that every one of us, male or female, mothers or not, has the capacity to “mother” children through kindness, hugs, snuggles, reading to a child, listening and caring. I will celebrate the presence of so many wonderful “mothers” in my life and in my children’s lives. I will celebrate the legacy of my grandmothers and my great-grandmothers, women who were pioneers and truly knew what it was to sacrifice for their families, women of strong faith and strong character. 2019 Edit: I will also celebrate refugee mothers, who have left everything behind, their kinship networks, their customs, their homes, who have faced the unknown and unfamiliar future in a strange country for the sake of their children, sometimes with their husbands and sometimes without, with strength and courage and generosity.
Happy Mother’s Day.
Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality – especially while you struggle to keep your own.
– Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons
