In search of wisdom, grace, and justice

I have been posting vague statuses on Facebook recently about a situation that has caused me a lot of grief and pain and anger.  I eventually apologized for doing that.  I really dislike it when people make vague posts, and don’t give details.  Unfortunately, although I would really like to, I cannot give any details because the situation involves other people who could be perceived as being vulnerable.

What I can say is that I was basically asked to step away from something that has really consumed my life for the past 2.5 years.  I did so immediately, because of the other people involved.  I was not given a reason or an explanation, and in fact, almost two weeks later, I still have not received any explanation.  The limited exchanges that I have had since then with those involved have been unsatisfactory because of a lack of honesty and transparency on their part.  I have been told that the organization has decided to “move forward” and that I will not receive any explanation.  I still have no idea what precipitated this request, and it looks like maybe I never will.

After feeling intense seething fury for almost a week, so much so that I felt physically ill and my blood pressure was sky high, I had no choice but to try to find a way to deal with the situation, and try not to let it keep me bitter.  Part of unpacking this bitterness and anger, I suppose, is to reflect on what I have learned over the past little while.  So here, in no particular order, are some thoughts.

1.      There are times in life when you do the right thing, for the right reason, and it turns out to not be worth it.

2.      No matter how old you are, and how tough you think you are, there is always the potential to have your heart broken.

3.      “Evil” and “vile” are spelled almost the same.  Maybe that gives them more power when they are used together.  There are evil, vile people in the world, and sometimes (in fact, often) they win.

4.      Being a good person (or trying to be) does not make you immune from suffering at the hands of evil, vile people.

5.      In the same vein, sociopaths and pathologically dishonest people do not just exist as criminals on TV shows, and they really do not have consciences.  And even though you can see them at work, and even though you can see it coming, when the people surrounding these evil, vile people are too afraid to address the situation, you are pretty much powerless to prevent it. 

6.      People who you have known, liked and respected for many years, and who you thought felt the same way about you, will stab you in the back with no hesitation.  Even people of faith.  That’s a bit strong, and I know in my situation, that some of the people involved, who I have known for years, did actually attempt to intervene, and that some of them share my sense of injustice.  But there were others whose betrayal has been complete.  They might think they had good reasons for their actions.  They might think they did nothing to deserve this condemnation, but to them, I would say that by their silence, they are complicit.  What’s that quotation?  “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”  Well, if you’re reading this, you know who you are, and you know what actions you did or didn’t take. 

7.      Anger and sadness are physically and emotionally exhausting.

8.      There are times in life when your children are wiser than you are.  There are times when you can learn a lot from them about how to deal with life.  Sometimes when they are in the exact same position that you are, they react with much more restraint and respect and maturity than you do.  I think that’s a good thing.  At least it is for them.  I’m not sure if that says much for me.

9.      It is not helpful for the person who has wronged you to say “I understand how you must feel.” You have no idea how I feel.  Either that, or you don't care. 

10.  “Confidentiality” is a good thing, for the most part.  But sometimes, binding honourable people to “confidentiality” makes a great cover for dishonourable people to tell a group of people whatever they want, without the person who is involved knowing what is being said behind their back, or being able to defend themselves.

11.  It is, I think, impossible to apologize for something if you don’t know what you are apologizing for.  It is impossible to forgive those who have so deliberately wronged you, without those wrongs being acknowledged and without forgiveness being sought.

12.  When you have no idea of what you have done in the first place, you find yourself second-guessing every well-intentioned action.  Instead of reacting according to your nature, you continually question your actions and your motivations.  Your first thought when you are trying to do something good is whether it is worth it.

13.  Sometimes there are serious consequences for other people from actions that you are forced to take.  Sometimes you have to relinquish your feelings of guilt and responsibility for these consequences, because even though you could possibly mitigate them, the other people clearly don’t want you involved.  In other words, sometimes people deserve their consequences.

As I write this, two weeks later, I am still hurt and angry.  The seething rage has mostly disappeared.  I have deliberately cut a few people completely out of my life, at least in terms of personal relationships, although this is a small town and it would be impossible to never see or speak to them again.  I will not be intimidated by them; I have no intention of avoiding places I want to go, and when I see them, I hope that I will be able to look them straight in the eyes and hold my head up high, even if I want to run to the other side of the town. 

Who knows, maybe in a few years, or months, or (highly unlikely) weeks, I will be able to think of this period in my life, and the people involved, with no bitterness or anger at all.  I’m still pretty far from that point.  I hope that I can eventually be a bigger person, and at least be gracious.  Also pretty far from there right now.  I really don’t know what positive lesson I am supposed to learn from this situation.  I’m struggling to live out my Christian beliefs through all this, and turn the other cheek, and forgive seventy times seven times.  I’m struggling to make the connection between justice and forgiveness, because nothing about this is just, and forgiveness just seems to say that I’m letting them off the hook, which also doesn’t seem just.  I’m struggling to find a place for grace. I'm struggling for wisdom.

Maybe it will become clear at some point.  I guess I can try to live in hope.