Saturday, 28 July 2018

Random update and other miscellany

I have not posted anything for a while, for a variety of reasons: a rough winter personally and being in a bit of a funk, lack of time due to a full-time job and an intense research project, and not being sure that I have anything to say that is of interest or value. 

I also took a bit of a break from Facebook in the sense that I have not been posting many statuses or responding to other people's posts much.  I found that I was responding to a lot of posts in groups or on other people's pages, posts made by people that I do not know personally, and I have come to question the usefulness of doing so. 

Although I have not been highly present, I have been thinking about many things.  Here, in no particular order, are some of the random thoughts that I have had recently. 

1) Trump is still President.  I am disturbed by this fact on many levels.  One is that so many people are obsessed with every word or tweet or appearance he makes.  Another is the fact that although he is clearly immoral, has clearly done several things that are illegal, and is a danger not only to Americans but to the world, there have still been no moves made to impeach him.  My theory is that there is little to no political will to remove him from office.  The longer he is in office, the better the Democrats (or even other Republican leaders) start to look.  I believe that at some level, the public, especially the American public, is secretly fascinated with the titillating leadership of Trump, and there is actually no real will to return to a less dramatic, pre-Trump state of things.  I fully expect that not only will he finish out his first term as President, he will also be re-elected, and although many people will claim to be upset and disappointed, in reality, the vast majority of people are living for his next tweet. 

2) The more headlines I see about what people should and shouldn't feed their pets, whether or not they should be swimming in lakes and rivers, how many ticks are between the paw pads of dogs, whether feeding them ice will kill them or not, the number of dogs left in hot vehicles, etc., the more I am convinced that animals would be much better off if they were not pets, and nature, not human intervention, was allowed to guide their lives.  (Yep, I realize probably no one is going to agree with me on this one.  I'm okay with that).

3) The older I get, the longer my to-do list gets, and the less time I seem to have to get anything accomplished. 

4) Somewhat related to #3, I am a bit panicky about how fast time seems to go these days.  I go back to work in just over 2 weeks... where did the summer go? 

5) This is the first year in at least 5 years that I will not make it to even one live CFL game.  

I also have some posts that I plan to work on in the next little while.  I would like to be more regular in posting, but we will see how that goes.  Here, as a bit of a teaser, are some of the posts that are percolating, in no particular order:

1) Riding Mountain National Park;
2) Why "church" and I are having a bit of a disagreement at the moment;
3) Train travel;
4)  Legacies (the meaning of life); 
5)  Baking bread; 
6)  Sackville, New Brunswick.

So, yes, I'm still here, in case anyone was worried.  I'm just spending a lot of time thinking about things, and trying to figure a few things out.  I'll be back soon.  

Thursday, 5 April 2018

In search of wisdom, grace, and justice


I have been posting vague statuses on Facebook recently about a situation that has caused me a lot of grief and pain and anger.  I eventually apologized for doing that.  I really dislike it when people make vague posts, and don’t give details.  Unfortunately, although I would really like to, I cannot give any details because the situation involves other people who could be perceived as being vulnerable.

What I can say is that I was basically asked to step away from something that has really consumed my life for the past 2.5 years.  I did so immediately, because of the other people involved.  I was not given a reason or an explanation, and in fact, almost two weeks later, I still have not received any explanation.  The limited exchanges that I have had since then with those involved have been unsatisfactory because of a lack of honesty and transparency on their part.  I have been told that the organization has decided to “move forward” and that I will not receive any explanation.  I still have no idea what precipitated this request, and it looks like maybe I never will.

After feeling intense seething fury for almost a week, so much so that I felt physically ill and my blood pressure was sky high, I had no choice but to try to find a way to deal with the situation, and try not to let it keep me bitter.  Part of unpacking this bitterness and anger, I suppose, is to reflect on what I have learned over the past little while.  So here, in no particular order, are some thoughts.

1.      There are times in life when you do the right thing, for the right reason, and it turns out to not be worth it.
2.      No matter how old you are, and how tough you think you are, there is always the potential to have your heart broken.
3.      “Evil” and “vile” are spelled almost the same.  Maybe that gives them more power when they are used together.  There are evil, vile people in the world, and sometimes (in fact, often) they win.
4.      Being a good person (or trying to be) does not make you immune from suffering at the hands of evil, vile people.
5.      In the same vein, sociopaths and pathologically dishonest people do not just exist as criminals on TV shows, and they really do not have consciences.  And even though you can see them at work, and even though you can see it coming, when the people surrounding these evil, vile people are too afraid to address the situation, you are pretty much powerless to prevent it. 
6.      People who you have known, liked and respected for many years, and who you thought felt the same way about you, will stab you in the back with no hesitation.  Even people of faith.  That’s a bit strong, and I know in my situation, that some of the people involved, who I have known for years, did actually attempt to intervene, and that some of them share my sense of injustice.  But there were others whose betrayal has been complete.  They might think they had good reasons for their actions.  They might think they did nothing to deserve this condemnation, but to them, I would say that by their silence, they are complicit.  What’s that quotation?  “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”  Well, if you’re reading this, you know who you are, and you know what actions you did or didn’t take. 
7.      Anger and sadness are physically and emotionally exhausting.
8.      There are times in life when your children are wiser than you are.  There are times when you can learn a lot from them about how to deal with life.  Sometimes when they are in the exact same position that you are, they react with much more restraint and respect and maturity than you do.  I think that’s a good thing.  At least it is for them.  I’m not sure if that says much for me.
9.      It is not helpful for the person who has wronged you to say “I understand how you must feel.” You have no idea how I feel.  Either that, or you don't care. 
10.  “Confidentiality” is a good thing, for the most part.  But sometimes, binding honourable people to “confidentiality” makes a great cover for dishonourable people to tell a group of people whatever they want, without the person who is involved knowing what is being said behind their back, or being able to defend themselves.
11.  It is, I think, impossible to apologize for something if you don’t know what you are apologizing for.  It is impossible to forgive those who have so deliberately wronged you, without those wrongs being acknowledged and without forgiveness being sought.
12.  When you have no idea of what you have done in the first place, you find yourself second-guessing every well-intentioned action.  Instead of reacting according to your nature, you continually question your actions and your motivations.  Your first thought when you are trying to do something good is whether it is worth it.
13.  Sometimes there are serious consequences for other people from actions that you are forced to take.  Sometimes you have to relinquish your feelings of guilt and responsibility for these consequences, because even though you could possibly mitigate them, the other people clearly don’t want you involved.  In other words, sometimes people deserve their consequences.
As I write this, two weeks later, I am still hurt and angry.  The seething rage has mostly disappeared.  I have deliberately cut a few people completely out of my life, at least in terms of personal relationships, although this is a small town and it would be impossible to never see or speak to them again.  I will not be intimidated by them; I have no intention of avoiding places I want to go, and when I see them, I hope that I will be able to look them straight in the eyes and hold my head up high, even if I want to run to the other side of the town. 
Who knows, maybe in a few years, or months, or (highly unlikely) weeks, I will be able to think of this period in my life, and the people involved, with no bitterness or anger at all.  I’m still pretty far from that point.  I hope that I can eventually be a bigger person, and at least be gracious.  Also pretty far from there right now.  I really don’t know what positive lesson I am supposed to learn from this situation.  I’m struggling to live out my Christian beliefs through all this, and turn the other cheek, and forgive seventy times seven times.  I’m struggling to make the connection between justice and forgiveness, because nothing about this is just, and forgiveness just seems to say that I’m letting them off the hook, which also doesn’t seem just.  I’m struggling to find a place for grace. I'm struggling for wisdom.
Maybe it will become clear at some point.  I guess I can try to live in hope.

Wednesday, 3 January 2018

A tribute to my father-in-law


Just before Christmas, my father-in-law died.  He had been failing for almost a year, so in some ways, we had anticipated his death.  But his final decline seemed drastically sudden.  

My father-in-law was a university president for 13 years, and was known for his kindness and compassionate administrative principles.  He taught and administered at the same university for over 25 years.  He was involved in many community organizations, authored several books and edited many other books and articles, and was a respected academic and administrator.  He was, as his friend Alex Colville wrote, “a man of substantial intellectual accomplishment, of great energy, and of firm principles” and he was a man of faith.  He received 2 honorary doctorates, and was awarded a Commemorative Medal for Canada’s 125th anniversary and a Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Medal. 

His funeral was a large and public affair, well attended by the community.  The funeral service remembered and celebrated his professional accomplishments, and his legacy as a community and institutional leader was recognized. 

He was an accomplished and respected man, and I respected him greatly.  And yet, in all of the public memorials following his death, I did not feel a great sense of personal connection to this public figure.  I did not know him as a community volunteer, or a teacher, or a pastor, or a university president.  I knew him as my husband’s father, and grandfather to our children.  The things that I personally know or remember about him are less connected to his public roles and his place in the community. 

My first memory of him is when my newly minted fiancĂ© phoned his parents to let them know that there would be an addition to the family (me).  To put this into perspective, his parents lived in Nova Scotia.  We had a bit of a whirlwind romance, and had spent the summer working together, 4 provinces away, at a somewhat isolated summer camp, with no telephone (and before the days of cell phones).  Until I met my husband, I had never heard of his family, or his community, or the university where his father was then the president; before this phone call, they had certainly never heard of me, or my family. 

After my future husband broke the news that he was planning to marry this previously unheard of young woman, there was silence.  Then, in a moment of pure graciousness, my future father-in-law sputtered his congratulations.  Not just once, but repeatedly, as he struggled to react appropriately.  Later, when I knew him better, I realized that this news must have been a complete shock to him; I never knew him to be at a loss for words at any other time.  

The first time I met the family was several months later, when I travelled east to spend New Year’s with them.  By this time, they had all mostly recovered from the shock.  Both of his parents were kind and gracious, welcoming me into their family seemingly without reservation. 
 
I remember a very busy man, who made an 8-hour detour to see his first grandchild, just a few days after he was born.  He had been at meetings in Ottawa, and instead of returning directly to Halifax, he flew to Toronto, drove to our home which was about 45 minutes from the airport, spent a couple of hours with his grandson, and then returned to Toronto for the return flight to Halifax.

I recall a grandfather who quietly enjoyed his grandchildren.  When our children were small, whenever we stayed with the grandparents, the routine was breakfast with Grandpa.  As soon as the children were up, Grandpa would be in the kitchen, making morning tea as usual for his beloved wife, and then preparing bacon, eggs, toast with Marmite, and half a grapefruit for his grandchildren.  This was his time with his grandchildren, with no one else around.  As they grew older, the routine changed, but I believe that his pride in both of his grandchildren as they grew was limitless.  

I remember his retirement from the presidency at his university, which is in a small town about three hours away from where we live now.  He retired in 1993, about the same time that we moved to the Maritimes.  I remember his retirement party, and the number of town people at the party.  If I recall, there were at least as many town people as there were university people.  I have lived in a similar small university town for almost 25 years, and trust me when I tell you that is a remarkable sign of respect from the community. One of his greatest legacies was nurturing a cooperative and mutually respectful relationship between the Town and the University, which, based on our experiences in our community, is another remarkable accomplishment. 

When we were all gathered for his funeral, I spent a few moments in his study.  On his wall is a walking staff that the employees of the university’s Physical Plant created for him when he retired.  It incorporated items such as an antique doorknob, a piece of an oak railing, and other items from around the campus, all lovingly and thoughtfully assembled into this gift by various sections of the Physical Plant – electricians, custodians, groundskeepers, locksmiths, etc.  The accompanying letter explained the symbolism of the different components of the staff, and expressed appreciation for his dedication to the University, specifically, his support of the Physical Plant staff. 
 
I have heard a story from several people, most recently directly from the horse’s mouth, about a former student at the university, probably during the late 80s.  This student dressed as the Pope and “blessed” the football field before every home football game.  The former student recalled the day that a member of the University’s Security staff showed up at his residence room and told him that the University President wanted to see him immediately.  He wrote, “I remember being escorted into his office, thinking that I was about to be expelled for my alter ego shenanigans. He kindly introduced himself to me and we chatted. Then, he said, ‘I hear that you are planning to land in a helicopter at the football game on Saturday.’ I said ‘yes.’ He said, ‘You’re not flying it, are you?’ I said, ‘No, it comes with a pilot.’ He said, ‘You will not be carrying the Bible will you?’ I said, ‘No, I never do, it's a business law text book that I carry.’ He said, ‘Good.  See you on Saturday at the game, Good Luck!’”

These are some of the things that I will remember about my father-in-law.  A man who was serious about life, but not so serious that he did not enjoy it.  A man who enjoyed sports, but didn’t so much enjoy the analysis and would most aggravatingly turn the television off between periods of the hockey games or at halftime of football games.  A man who had a mind for details, so much so that when my husband’s older brother got married in Toronto a month earlier than we expected (when we were again working at the aforementioned camp with no communication), he wrote us a detailed letter about the family’s trip to Toronto, including where they stayed, what they were served to eat on the airplane, maybe even the name of their flight attendants, but neglected to tell us WHY they were in Toronto; the only clues we had were a brief mention of a rehearsal dinner, and the fact that the entire family (except for us) had made the trip.  Our suspicions were confirmed several days later, after a rare phone call home from the resort town on the other side of the lake.  He was a man of integrity who never forgot his working class roots; my husband often recalls that when his father became president, he informed the university community that budget cuts were inevitable.  He pledged that no one would lose their jobs; cuts would be accomplished through retirements and resignations, and he kept his word.  A man who took his profession and his academic and intellectual life very seriously, but was able to relate to everyone on a deeply human and personal level – from world famous artists and wealthy businessmen and politicians to the man who owned the local garage where he took his cars to be serviced to the woman who has cleaned for them for the past several years to the staff at the Physical Plant to a slightly intimidated young woman from the prairies who married his son, and everyone in between.  A man who deeply loved his wife of 64 years and called her by his own personal nickname until he died.  A man who took great pride in his children and his grandchildren, and all that they aspired to do and be. 

We will miss him.  I will miss him.  Requiescat in pace.