Graduation Day!

This week, high school students in my area are celebrating their graduation from high school, with ceremonies and proms and parties.  It reminded me that recently, I finally graduated with my B.A. (an Honours degree in Canadian Studies with a History minor). I also won a prize for the top marks in the Canadian Studies programme, which was a really big, and much appreciated, surprise.  Here are some personal reflections on both Convocation, and studying as a mature student.

Convocation Day is always one of my favourite days on campus.  It is the culmination of students’ hard work, learning, extra activities, and living in community of the previous 4 or 5 (or more) years.  It is a day of joy, excitement, and pride on one hand, and nostalgia and the realization that this time as a community, this life in a bubble that is created on a small campus, is now irrevocably ending, and life will never be the same.  It is a day when those of us who work on campus say “farewell” to students we have come to know, and watch them spread their wings and leave the nest of university life.

This year, on my Convocation Day, was no exception, but I got to experience the excitement of the graduands as part of the graduating class.  It was heartwarming to watch students greet each other, sometimes with hugs, with smiles and laughter, and to be a part of their excitement as we were getting ready for the ceremony.  However, also this year, the overall excitement was tempered by a protest organized and led by a group of faculty against the awarding of an honorary degree to a former Ambassador to Israel and Afghanistan.  The protest took place as students were entering Convocation Hall and also apparently involved a faculty boycott of the Convocation ceremony.  Some students inside also silently protested while she addressed Convocation.  I admit that having just completed a stupendous amount of research, I did not independently research the alleged issues, and if I have learned one thing over my lifetime as a student, it is to always do your own research; therefore, I have no personal opinion as to whether she should have been awarded the honorary degree or not.  I respect the right of people to protest anything they want, and it was a relatively peaceful and mostly respectful protest.  However, my observations of convocations from the many ceremonies I’ve attended over the years is that it has increasingly become less about the real and often significant accomplishments of the graduating students, and more about the honours bestowed on people who have already accumulated a lot of honours… and more importantly for the university, have also accumulated a lot of wealth and connections along the way.  This year was no exception.  It was disappointing that there were less than a dozen faculty at my Convocation, and I felt for the young students who were graduating who did not have the opportunity to be celebrated by their professors.  The focus was not on the graduating students, but on faculty issues and ONE honorary degree recipient.  I’m not sure what was accomplished, other than giving her an even wider and more public platform, and taking the focus away from graduates even more than usual.  

At first, I wasn't that excited about Convocation.  I've been a student for a very long time, and really, it doesn't seem like such a big achievement to get your first degree after such a long time. Everyone else seemed really excited for me, though, and I was overwhelmed by all the messages and support from my colleagues, my family, and my friends, and their excitement and pride on my behalf.  Both of my children, AND their partners, insisted on attending, and sat through the long ceremony.  One of my two best friends travelled out to share in the weekend, and receiving congratulations from others made me more excited about it.  In photos that were taken as I was receiving my degree, I look really happy and excited, and in the end, I was.

And on reflection, I think I should be proud of myself.  I started my degree before I got married, then took time off to work so my husband could study, and had some awesome jobs along the way.  Then I had children, and chose to stay home with them.  I worked casual and contract jobs here and there, I volunteered with a LOT of organizations in my community, and every now and then I took one or two courses at the university.  A few years ago, I decided I needed to finally finish my degree, but then my 2-week temporary job to replace someone on sick leave turned into a full-time job.  So for the past 6 years, I've been working full-time, as well as studying.  And of course, like everyone else, I also had to deal with COVID.  This last year, in particular, was difficult.  My mom died last year, and even though it was not totally unexpected, it has been difficult.  Although I had a great deal of support from most of my work colleagues, I was the victim of workplace harassment by one person.  I had to do a reading course at the same time as my thesis, which involved reading at least 30 different works and producing an annotated bibliography.  And because of the intensity of the reading course, I basically ended up writing my thesis in one semester instead of two; the vast majority of my research was already done, but I still had to read in areas that were not covered in my reading course, which was mostly irrelevant to my thesis.  I am exceedingly proud of my thesis and the work I did writing and researching it, despite the fact that it was the lowest mark I received at this university other than my mark in Postmodern Canadian Lit (don't worry, it's still a very good mark!), and I am extremely satisfied that I have produced the most complete and accurate and in-depth biography of John Hammond that exists. But of course, research never ends, and there are still lots of things to discover about Hammond.

As for graduating as a (very!) mature student, I am proud of persevering, even though at this point in my life, a Bachelor’s degree is not going to make a big difference to me.  While the other graduates are just starting their career paths and lives, I am at the other end.  When I started studying at this university many years ago, there was a mature student advisor, and at some points throughout the years, there were mature student groups.  Now, there is no support, no formal acknowledgement of the added pressures of the juggling that sometimes needs to take place, the time management, and the other commitments that many mature students have to cope with.  As far as I know, there is only one award given at Convocation specifically for mature students, and the last time I checked, it was administered under the Meighen Centre, whose mission statement says that it “provides accessibility support to students with disabilities and medical conditions.”  Hmmm…………………. 

Earlier in my studies, I was included in departmental field trips and e-mails and opportunities for students within my programme of study, but as time went on, these notifications and e-mails seemed to end, and I felt excluded from these opportunities.  At times, I felt quite alone, and also sometimes felt that I was held to higher standards than the typical 18-24 year old students who were studying alongside me.  Maybe that’s a fair expectation, given that I have more life experience than the younger students.  I haven’t quite decided.

While I felt a general lack of institutional support at times, I am extremely grateful for the support I received from many individuals within the institution, including other researchers, individual professors, many of the people I work with, archivists and librarians, and my friends.  I was thrilled and overwhelmed with how many staff and faculty members were excited for me as Convocation approached.  My parents are no longer here, but they too always encouraged me to finish my degree, and I know they would have been proud and excited to see me cross the stage.

And my family?  Well, they have had my back all the way.  They are the ones who kept me going even when I questioned why I was doing this and felt like it was a waste of time.  They are the ones who encouraged me and uplifted me and cheered me on and never (I mean never) complained when I got bogged down in school work.  They are the ones who share the most in this accomplishment with me. 

In the end, despite things that frustrated me, I know that I am extremely fortunate to have been able to study at a well-respected institution.  I took some stimulating and thought-provoking courses and produced some fun and interesting assignments.  I’m fortunate that my professors allowed me to focus on issues that were important to me.  It is not lost on me that a lot of women in my shoes are never able to complete their studies, and of course, in many parts of the world, girls and women are not permitted even the most basic of education, let alone university degrees.  I am grateful for all of the opportunities that have been provided for me to finish my formal education. 

I have met many alumni from my university, and I always envied them for being “part of the club.”  Now I’m part of it, too, and I’m proud to be associated with them.  It feels strange to not be thinking about what courses to take next year, but I am more than ready to move on.  

 

Reflections on a Coronation

It's Coronation Day.  I see it is drizzly and grey in London, but here in the Maritimes, it is a lovely morning.  I decided to get up (relatively) early on this Saturday to watch the event.  

I'm not a staunch monarchist, but I'm not an anti-monarchist.  As a student of history, I enjoy the tradition and pageantry of royal events.  I got up at a ghastly hour (as I recall) the year I graduated from high school in British Columbia to watch the fairytale wedding of Charles and Diana; I watched the wedding of Andrew and Sarah a couple of years later; like many others, I was glued to the television in the hours and days following Diana's death; I watched the wedding of Harry and Megan with one of my best friends in Ontario, complete with scones and fascinators; and most recently I watched the funeral of the Queen.  

This coronation of course is 70 years after the last one.  There have been royal scandals, affairs, divorces, messy feuds, uncertainties, shenanigans, all played out in front of a voracious media and public.  Today, a divorced man and woman become king and queen, an unthinkable proposition in the generation before Queen Elizabeth.  And I can't help thinking, unfairly, perhaps, as I remember the magic of Charles and Diana, before we knew the true state of affairs, that it was meant to be Diana being crowned.  I don't harbour any ill will towards Camilla, but to me, she looked awkward and bored (at least, until she got that crown).  CBC reported that the robe was too heavy, so she had some of the ermine removed; my first thought was that the mantle of monarchy should weigh heavy on one's shoulders.  

It's nice to see girls and women in the choirs, people of colour and presumably other faiths taking part in the service, even if the service itself is definitely an Anglican Christian service, and participating women clergy!  It's fascinating to see the opulent and beautiful garments and regalia (I'm entranced by the breathtaking embroidery), the jewels, the historical objects, the colours, the carriages, the ancient stones of Westminster Abbey, to hear the beautiful music.  And of course, all eyes are on Prince Louis after his mischievous behaviour at the Queen's Jubilee celebrations.  

Naturally, discussion about the relationship between the monarchy and Canada has increased in recent days, and I find myself contemplating the future of Canada's relationship with the House of Windsor. For many people in Canada, and other countries belonging to the British Empire, the Crown represents oppression and colonization.  I am not sure what role the monarchy actually plays in Canada any more, other than a purely symbolic one, and I'm not sure what the royals actually do that benefits our world (yes, I know that they act as patrons and benefactors, and bring attention to charitable causes).  It isn't as if the King or Queen actually rule any more.  What, other than tradition, would actually be lost if the monarchy ceased to exist as our token head of state?  What, in the words frequently heard in discussions about the monarchy, is their relevance in a contemporary world?

Of course, it isn't just as simple as declaring independence from the monarch.  In Canada, the our relationship with the monarchy is entrenched in our Constitution.  In our religious community, he is the head of the Anglican Church.  There's the question of who or what would replace the monarch as the head of state, and whether it would involve a complete reorganization of our entire political system. As a mostly lazy person, I also think about all the practicalities of such a change -- new currency, new postage stamps, probably changing crests and flags and insignia in our federal buildings, amending oaths, and probably a million other things that I can't even imagine which would be on the "to do" list.  

It's still early on a Saturday morning, and all these things are worth considering, in my opinion.  But for the time being, maybe a little less than wholeheartedly, but still sincerely, I will join with others in the chorus "Long Live the King."  

May you rule, whatever that entails, with wisdom, compassion, and relevance, and may you truly strive to make this world a better place for all.

My mom died

 My mom died.

She was old, and she had been in failing health since she had a stroke on Christmas Day 2019.  It was not completely unexpected.

But still. 

My mom died.  Ma-ma.  Mommy.  Mom.  Or when I was exasperated, Mother!

She was my best friend, and at times, especially during puberty, my worst enemy.  She knew me better than anyone else in the world, knew all my faults and all my gifts, put up with my bad tempers and complaints, and loved and supported me anyway, more than any other earthly person ever has or ever will.

She died in early May, just at the end of mayflower season in the Maritimes and crocus season in the prairies.  She loved looking for those first beautiful signs of spring.  She died in the middle of a peaceful, starry-skied night, after a warm, sunny spring day and a brilliant sunset.  It was a day she would have loved, and most likely would have spent out in her garden if she could have.

My mom was born and raised in Montreal, and boy, did she love to talk about Montreal and her youth.  But moving to southwest Saskatchewan at the age of 34 when my father was called to be the minister at a two-point charge in Shaunavon and Swift Current, she fell deeply and passionately in love with the prairies, and for the rest of her life, the prairie was forever her spiritual home. 

Mom was proud of her family’s Baptist heritage as ministers and educators in Jamaica, and she continued that tradition by marrying a Baptist minister.  They moved all around western Canada, living in hamlets, small towns, and cities, finally retiring to the Maritimes to be near their first grandchildren.  Although we moved a lot, and it was hard to put down roots, Mom fully immersed herself in each place we lived, and treated each home as if it was our permanent home.  When we lived on a farm in southwestern Manitoba, my mom, the city girl, learned how to milk cows, muck out stalls, use a cream separator, and tend to chickens, pigs, a horse, cats, and a dog, and she did it with enthusiasm and joy.  

She was a strict mom, not in the sense that she was mean or angry, but she had rules and expectations.  No cats in the house (although we snuck them in occasionally).  On the farm, the dog was only allowed in the house at night so he wouldn’t go roaming with other rogue farm dogs, but was only allowed in the mudroom – and definitely NOT on the carpet.  Once we moved away from the farm, the dog was indoors more, and often lay in the hallway with the very tip of his nose on the living room carpet.  She had very definite kitchen principles.  The kitchen should be a large, welcoming, open space with an efficient working triangle (fridge-kitchen-stove), and things should be stored where they were used.  She and Dad renovated kitchens to suit her preferences, and she designed her own kitchens in the houses that they built together.  Mom always told us to “remember who you are.”  She didn’t say it in a sense of concern over her reputation or my dad’s, but in the sense of being true to ourselves, living up to our own personal values and expectations, and remembering that we are children of God. 

Mom lived her life on her own terms.  In the days when ministers’ wives were expected to be unpaid church labourers alongside their meagrely paid husbands, she was, in many ways, a traditional minister’s wife.  But always quietly independent, she remodelled every manse we ever lived in, and worked outside the home before it was socially acceptable for most wives and mothers to do so.  Her favourite job was working as a school librarian in several places across Canada, and she treasured the opportunities that arose for connecting with the students, especially those who were marginalized.  She had some health issues throughout her life, rheumatic fever as a child and multiple bouts with cancer, but never let them overcome her or define her.  She met her challenges with determination, humour, and an unwavering faith that God was in control.

Birds and flowers were two of Mom’s favourite things.  She spent hours working in her gardens, learning to adapt to different climates and soils. She loved nature, and found wonder in every aspect of it, from the tiny ants in the soil to the vast prairie skies and the flickering northern lights.  From her, we learned to look for the beauty in the small things in life: the insects in the gardens, the wildflowers hiding in the woods, the way the clouds were striated in the sky, and the countless colour variations of the wild lupins.  She was a gifted seamstress and needlewoman, sewing wedding dresses, clothing for her grandchildren, tailored suits, and hundreds of baby quilts which have been sent to babies around the world, as well as crocheting tea cozies, embroidering Christmas ornaments, and countless other crafts, some of which she sold in many of the places she lived.

My mom’s biggest gifts were compassion and hospitality.  Growing up, we frequently had guests for Sunday dinners, many of whom were unexpected.  Her homes were places where family, friends, church folk, and strangers were always warmly welcomed.  She had this uncanny sense of being able to reach out to perfect strangers.  When we lived in rural Manitoba, she encountered a young Quebecois couple struggling to communicate in English.  She discovered that they were on their honeymoon, hitchhiking across Canada, and wanted to catch a bus to Edmonton, which was not due to leave until late that night.  Without hesitation, she invited them to our house, showed them the laundry room, and pointed them to the shower, and they shared a meal with us before catching the bus.  For many years, we received Christmas cards from them.  My brother recalled that when our Dad was in hospital in Halifax after back surgery and was not doing well, they were returning to the hospital after supper to stay with Dad.  They met a woman and her daughter at the elevator, perfect strangers.  The woman told them that a family member was on their deathbed, and they would be keeping vigil.  Mom stepped up to the woman and had a quiet conversation with her.  Mom opened her arms, and the woman stepped into them and cried on her shoulder, and after a few minutes, they went their separate ways. My mom loved being “Nana” to my kids and my nephews.  In Sackville, she also became “Nana” to countless university Chapel students and football players.  She would walk into the room, with a warm smile on her face, and say “Hi, I’m Nana.  Who are you?” and before you know it, she would be in deep conversation with whoever was there.  That was my mom.

The last 2½ years of my mom’s life were not easy.  She lost the ability to do everything she enjoyed, and COVID ensured that we were not able to spend a lot of time with her in the nursing home.  The day before she died, I spent most of the day with her, singing her favourite hymns, reading to her from the Bible and from some poetry and gardening journals she had with her.  I thanked her for everything I had learned from her.  I hugged her.

This photo of my mom is one of my favourites.  I know she would be aghast that her hair is all askew.  It was taken after we took a drive along the Petitcodiac River, stopping at a favourite place of mine, which I wrote about here.  It was autumn, and a little bit cool.  But still, my mom walked around the church yard, gathering a bunch of little seed heads and weeds that no one else would even notice, to make her own little bouquet, and then sat down on the large rock to rest with her little bouquet in her hand. That was my mom, finding beauty in the little things, and the ordinary moments, and offering the prayer that she offered so often, Deo gratias.

World Refugee Day 2020

Today is World Refugee Day.  As some of you know, my husband and I founded a refugee sponsorship group in our community in 2015, one of many groups in Canada that responded to the image of the dead body of 3-year-old Alan Kurdi.  I wrote about that experience here.  Today, I would like to take just a minute to reflect on what I have learned since then, and what I believe about refugees.

I think that many refugees live lives of paradox.  They are among the most vulnerable and yet the most strong and courageous of people. They make the difficult decision to leave their homes, their families, their cultures, and everything that is familiar to them, not because they want a better income or a bigger house or a better job, but because their lives are in danger. They do not wake up one morning and say "Oh, I think I'd like to move to Canada (or wherever)." They wake up and think, "If I do not leave the home I love, RIGHT NOW, my family and I will die." They flee, in fear of their lives, to places where they are not welcome, that are already overcrowded with other refugees, but at least they are a tiny bit safer than they were before. They hope and pray that either their homelands will become safe again, or that they will find another home where they can live in safety and peace.  They leave family that they love, who, in all likelihood, they will never see again. They cannot go back for a vacation, or to see a dying parent, or for weddings.

Some refugees come from poor or disadvantaged backgrounds. But many of them come from lives that were, at one time, good. They had jobs, homes, things to look forward to in their lives. They had choices. They never dreamed that one day they would have to leave all that behind. Some of them have to leave in a hurry, in the middle of the night, taking only what they can carry with them. Some of them are born and raised in refugee camps, children of refugees, and know no other life.

If they are very lucky, they can register as refugees with the UNHCR, and then, they have a shot at being selected for resettlement in a new country. But that's only if they are refugees outside their home country. There are millions of people who have left their homes but are still within the borders of their home country, and these displaced people are not considered “refugees” under UNHCR guidelines.

In 2018, Canada settled the highest number of refugees of any country in the world -- 28,100 – followed by a slight increase to 29,950 refugees in 2019. That's great, and we can be proud of that for the most part (I won't go into problems with how the government does or does not assist refugees once they arrive; also, if you are a student of Canadian history, you will know that despite official government rhetoric, Canada has not always been the most welcoming nation, and in fact, has a strong history of racism and exclusionary policies with it comes to refugees and immigration... but that’s another story). But in today’s context, before we get too smug and self-satisfied, consider this: that figure represents only about 1.1% of the world’s refugee population, if my math is correct.  Current statistics from the UNHCR (https://www.unhcr.org/figures-at-a-glance.html) show that as of last year, there are almost 80 million -- MILLION! -- people displaced by war and violence.  26 million of them are refugees (i.e. they have left their countries of origin), and HALF of those are children under the age of 18.

Some refugees live in refugee camps.  If you think living in a refugee camp is easy, I challenge you to do some research; there are many videos online that will take you to directly there (Za’atari, Kakuma, and Dadaab are three of the largest camps). Refugees are not given “free passes.”  They are not “economic migrants.”  Many of them face years living as refugees.  Many of them do not have legal standing in their host countries, so they are not able to work or to send their children to school.  Some of them live in fear of being beaten by hostile residents, or worse, being deported back to the countries they came from, where some of them are executed.  People who are displaced from their homes but have not left their countries face many of the same situations as refugees: overcrowding, lack of employment, fear, death. 

Refugees often wait for years before they are resettled in countries like Canada.  They face many obstacles – long wait times in host countries, difficulties that come from not having the proper official papers, expiration dates for medical and security screening, and often times, illegal demands for money from those who are supposed to be helping them.  When they apply for resettlement with the UNHCR, refugees are screened for security and medical purposes.  Then, once Canada indicates an interest in them, they are screened again by Canadian government officials.  CSIS checks for security issues, including all affiliations, and criminal records, and refugees receive medical exams.  If everything is satisfactory, the visa office can accept them as permanent residents.  It sounds simple, but it isn’t; it can take years, and medicals and security clearances can be expensive if they have to be redone every two years because the government has moved too slowly. 

Often, they do not choose the country where they will settle, and sometimes they arrive in their new country not knowing anything about it.  When they arrive, they are allowed the same amount of luggage as any other traveller.  There is no opportunity to pack up their possessions and ship them later.  It is a humbling experience to stand in an airport arrivals area and realize that the middle-aged couple you are welcoming has all of their worldly possessions, their entire life, in 4 suitcases. 
                               
We can do better. First and foremost, we can educate ourselves about refugees, asylum seekers (which I haven’t dealt with here), displaced persons, and the issues surrounding them. Second, we can support policies that will end war and conflict. That includes things like food security, disarmament, poverty, women and girls, and tolerance. Third, we can financially support organizations that work with refugees overseas. Fourth, we can make the issues concerning refugees personal by doing what we can to support refugees in our communities, and by building relationships with people who have come to Canada as refugees, and hearing their stories.  And there is so much more.

Today, and every day, I honour those that I have come to know who have lived this paradox, who have been so vulnerable and yet whose lives are filled with resilience,  strength and courage, and more than anything, who share their joy and generosity with people like us who already have more than we need.  I honour my friends Soz and Nizar and their children, and Nokar.  I honour Ahmet and Feride, Jafari and Mwaliasha and their children, and Kintu.  I honour Maluk, Maisaa, Debbie, Shinda, Jabar, and so many others.  And I thank them for everything they have taught me about life, love, and joy.

"Today Hurts"

Today I am proud to offer a guest post, written by my daughter Joanna. 

“Today hurts.” 

I saw that on someone’s Facebook post the other day. Such a short statement, but such a powerful one. And as I’m writing this, I can honestly say that: today hurts. This week hurts. Let’s be real, this whole year hurts. Recently, we all woke up on what should have been just another Sunday to discover that there was a man disguised as an RCMP officer who was making his way through Nova Scotia, killing innocent people as he travelled. Gabriel Wortman killed 22 people in the span of about 13 hours, in various communities, by setting their houses on fire, or by shooting them. It was, and continues to be, tragic.

 

People say that it is senseless and random. I see where they are coming from, but I disagree. It was not random. It began as an act of domestic violence, and that in and of itself is never random. Perpetrators of domestic violence are manipulative, calculating, and often get away with what they are doing by exerting control and power over others. Domestic violence is never random; it is an intentional act.

 

Gabriel Wortman was a perpetrator of domestic violence. I do not know much about him, and it will not do any good for anyone if I sit here and attempt to figure out what he was thinking, what his partner has endured, or any other specifics about this mass murder.

 

Instead, I want to urge you, PLEAD WITH YOU, to not ignore domestic violence. I work with survivors of domestic violence and I have seen things and heard stories that absolutely break my heart; some that have shattered my view of the world as a “good” place.  Sometimes I wish I could get on a rooftop and scream some of the things that I’ve heard, so that others can know how truly horrific domestic violence can be. Of course, I cannot. However, I can say that the effects of domestic violence continue to be swept under the rug by society as a whole, and it needs to stop. Survivors feel ignored and invisible; they feel unimportant. Domestic violence is not something that people want to talk about or address; it is a family problem, or an individual problem, and society should not get involved, right? WRONG. Domestic violence affects everyone. We can see this by the fact that a perpetrator of domestic violence just took 22 innocent lives. It is not a private matter, and it is not something that we can ignore any more.

 

This is it. This is the moment. This is the turning point. This is where we, as a society, get to decide whether we are going to continue allowing domestic violence to happen, or whether we are going to come together and put an end to it. We can support the women in our lives by knowing where to go for help; but more than that, we can educate the boys and the men in our lives to understand that masculinity does not rely on toughness, on violence, or on having power over others. This is a big change, a big shift, and it will not happen overnight. But we cannot ignore survivors anymore; we cannot say that it is too hard for us to hear what they have been through. As a society, it is time that we open our eyes and open our ears in order to know and recognize the signs and the effects of domestic violence.

 

In the last couple of weeks, Nova Scotia has been described as a peaceful, quiet, idyllic place in which people never suspected that a tragedy like this would occur. It’s described as a corner of the world where violence is unheard of. I love Nova Scotia, and it is a beautiful and unique province. But let me shatter your rose-coloured glasses and say that there is violence that occurs in this province, in supposedly peaceful, quiet, idyllic places on a daily basis. Nova Scotia is not exempt from domestic violence. We may not want to hear about it, and we may have felt as though we are able to ignore it because it happens behind closed doors. No more. Open your eyes.

 

The superintendent of the RCMP stated in his most recent press conference that “Violence against women is intolerable. It’s real, it exists.” He’s right. It’s intolerable. And yet, it is being tolerated in our society and that needs to change. And this is the moment that we, as a society, as proud Maritimers, get to decide whether we are going make that change, or whether we will continue to allow domestic violence to be tolerable, simply because it’s not happening to us. 

It might be the end of the world as we know it, and I'm not sure how I feel...

This is quite the time we are living in, isn’t it?

Our lives, individually and collectively, have been turned upside down.  Nothing is the same as it was three weeks ago.  Many of us are “working from home.”  Kids are home from school.  Activities and events are cancelled and postponed.  Nothing is normal.  I was in the pharmacy the other day in my small town, and there are plexiglass barriers separating us from the people working at the cash. I could never have imagined that I would ever see something like this in my town.     

We see friends walking by (from a distance) and can’t hug them.  I haven’t seen my daughter in person and up close for over three weeks because she works in essential services and she does not want to spread anything to us.  I haven’t seen the little children that I love for more than three weeks, and I MISS THEM SO MUCH.  We aren’t supposed to go where people gather: church, the beach, work, school, the mall, even walking on a busy street.  We don’t know when this will end, and we don’t know what our world and our society will look like when it does.

In my personal life, other changes add to the overall aura of uncertainty and anxiety.  My mother had a stroke on Christmas Day and was moved to a nursing home not long ago.  We haven’t been permitted to visit her in person lately, so she has had to do her settling in without us there to help her.  I can only talk to her occasionally on the phone, and it isn’t the same kind of conversation that we used to have – ranting, chatting, confiding, discussing.  Our conversations now are mostly me reassuring her that we are still here, even though we are not able to visit her in person, and that we love her and miss her.  I miss hearing her cheerful “Hi dear!” and I miss our daily conversations.

Another major change is that my husband has accepted a call to a new ministry in another city.  That means that over the summer, he will be moving.  We decided together that while my mom remains in the nursing home here, I will stay here as well.  This change will be significant – for the past 35 years, we have lived in the same place and shared the responsibilities of raising a family and running a household.  We don’t know how long it will take to find a place for my mom to live in the new city, so we don’t know how long this physical separation will last.

In the meantime, we are inundated with information.  The news is almost exclusively full of COVID-19 updates – how many new cases, how many dead, how many recovered – and reminders about social distancing, social isolating, quarantining, and for the love of God, WASH YOUR HANDS!  We are reminded daily about all the things that have been taken away from us, even temporarily, about where we can’t go and what we can’t do.  We hear consistently about groups of people who defy the advice of health professionals and end up infecting other people.  We read dire reminders about the added dangers of forced isolation to children and women in abusive families.  There are posts and articles about how to keep busy, how to learn new things, activities that you can do at home to keep busy, virtual tours and concerts and exhibits and church and almost every other thing you can imagine.  The sheer amount of information is overwhelming, and we don’t know who to trust.  Is the planet really healing itself because of the sudden drop in greenhouse gas emissions?  Did Hong Kong really see blue sky for the first time in years?  Who has the time and energy to sort through all this information to find the truth?

We are learning a lot about ourselves.  We are learning about how important it is to wash our hands.  We are learning how often we touch our faces.  We are learning about how social or unsocial we normally are.  We are learning to be patient.  We are learning about faith, and hope, and how strong they are in us.  Some of us are rediscovering how much we love our kids and our spouses; no doubt, some of us are discovering the opposite too...

We are smorgasbords of feelings.  Fear of what might still be ahead.  Anxiety at all the unknowns.  Concern for people we know who are still working in essential fields.  Sadness and grief at events cancelled, inability to be with family during times of loss or celebration, separation from those we love.  Frustration at hoarders who have created shortages of necessities such as cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and flour.  Frustration for feeling forced to become hoarders despite our best intentions.  Anger at the people who are still disregarding orders from government and from health experts and refusing to separate themselves from others, while we have sacrificed visits with those we love for the greater good.  Loneliness.  Depression.  Inadequacy.  Impatience.  Serve those up alongside the gratitude we feel at having homes where we can comfortably isolate ourselves, with people who, by and large, we love.  It is spring (although it is slow in coming here) and Easter, and if we take the time, we notice the return of our resident groundhogs and yard birds, the appearance of tulips in our gardens, and the gradual disappearance of the snow and ice.

We’re all longing for things to go back to “normal.”  But what is “normal” going to look like?  I think it’s safe to say that we will not be going back to the way things were.  Will anything positive come out of this experience?   That remains to be seen, but I hope so.  There are many reports of people helping their neighbours, looking out for those in need, generosities and kindnesses extended where they are least expected.  Some parents have reported that they have rediscovered their children during their enforced time at home, and they now realize that they have been missing important parts of their family life.  We all know now how dependent we are on farmers, grocery store workers, custodians, and others who we have overlooked previously.  I have read hopeful comments that this pandemic has taught us that we CAN change our lifestyles to use less greenhouse gas, and that we SHOULD re-evaluate our work/family life balance and our reliance on capitalism, big business and corporations.  I would like to think that we can reasonably expect that our society will be more open to considering some of these changes post-pandemic. 

But I wonder how far our generosity and willingness to change will extend.  I have no doubt that many of us will make changes in our personal lives.  But will we as societies and governments be willing to make large scale changes to meet goals such as, for example, the Millennial Development Goals?  These goals were adopted by UN signatories in the year 2000 to eradicate poverty worldwide, and were considered achievable and realistic by the year 2015.  And yet, in 2020, there has been no noticeable progress towards achieving these goals.  Will the level of international cooperation mean that sincere efforts to resolve wars and conflicts become reality instead of just rhetoric?  Will it mean that refugees and displaced persons find homes?  Will people living in poverty in our own communities find meaningful work and lives?  Will our governments introduce measures such as universal basic income? 

Will our obsessions with fame and wealth change?  Will we be more open to more equitable sharing of our financial and material resources?  Will the subjects of our hero worship change, or will we still hang on every word and action of celebrities?  It astonishes me that we will not take action or support a cause or even engage in intelligent behaviour such as social isolation until celebrities tell us to – even though scientists and doctors (you know, the ones who actually KNOW these things) have been telling us for weeks.  I really hope this focus on celebrities to influence our lives and our societies changes. 

I’d like to think that we will come out of this global crisis in a better world.  But if we look at history, we will note that the end of the 1918 pandemic seguéd into the biggest party in history, the Roaring Twenties, a decade of excesses and frivolity.  That decade-long party led to the crash of the stock market and the Great Depression, which only ended when the world went to war again.  And after the tribulations and deprivations of the war, consumerism became the new standard.  Will we learn from our mistakes in the past? 

I don’t have any answers.  I can’t contextualize my fears and worries and thoughts.  I am not a theologian or a philosopher or an economist or a politician.  I am trying to keep the small picture in the forefront: live through today, make some goals for the week, and that’s it.  But sometimes the rest of it all comes crowding in. 

Be safe.  Be smart.  Don’t take risks.  Check in with others, especially if you know they are vulnerable, or if you are feeling vulnerable.  I know it’s hard.  I know it’s lonely and isolating and inconvenient and depressing.  And I know we are all doing our best.  But I hope we can find small ways to cope, small gratitudes and beauty, and meaningful ways to connect.  And one day, maybe sooner than we think, we will emerge from our homes, breathe the fresh air, hug our friends and family members, and life will go on, hopefully in a better world. 

Even the statue of George Stanley is staying safe.

I DON'T KNOW IF I AM A FEMINIST

Recently, my online life has included some discussions about feminism.  Specifically, I saw a post about a book called Rage Baking: The Transformative Power of Flour, Fury, and Women’s Voices.  I commented on the post that I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about the premise of this book, given that for many of my years as a Stay-At-Home-Mum, it seemed that the traditionally female domain of the kitchen, and the skills that went with that domain, were denigrated by more “progressive” feminists.  I wondered if it was ironic that activist, feminist women were now attempting to reclaim the kitchen as a place of female/feminist power (I’ll tell you a secret – SAHMs know that the kitchen has ALWAYS been a place of female power!).  There were some supportive comments, but there were also negative responses to my ponderings.  One friend said that this was all in the past, and another dismissed my personal experiences as “pop-feminist nastiness,” claiming that feminism has always supported and fought for the principle of being a SAHM. 

  

There was also a fair amount of online discussion about the halftime show at the Super Bowl, and how it was supposed to be empowering for women.  I won’t regurgitate that discussion; suffice it to say that many of my online friends disagreed with my perspective.  Most of the comments were respectful and we agreed to disagree, but I also apparently lost a Facebook friend because of my opinion.    

These interactions about feminism and what I have been told it is supposed to mean for me bothered me.  So I have a couple of things to say before I move on.  

First some background.  I was not raised in a radically feminist household.  By that I mean, my mother did not preach feminism to me.  However, she worked in paid employment outside of the home for many of my growing up years through the 1970s and 80s, and she and my father were very much equal partners in their marriage, in every way that I was aware of as a child – economically, parenting-wise, decision-making.  I was never made to feel “less” because I was a girl, at least, not by my parents, and I was free (and supported) to make my own life decisions about university (I went) and marriage (I did). 

When I got married and had children, my husband and I decided together that I would be a stay-at-home mum.  I did some casual work here and there while our children were growing up, and A LOT of volunteer work, but for most of my adult life, I have been a SAHM.  We were fortunate that we were able to make that decision, although I won’t lie, it was not easily financially; however, I have absolutely no regrets with the choice that we made.  I WANTED to be home with my children. 

Feminism has been a good thing for many privileged, white, middle to upper class women in Canada.  It hasn’t been so good for women of colour, Indigenous women, or low-income or uneducated women.  In fact, the National Action Committee on the Status of Women, which boasted intellectual giants such as Doris Anderson and Judy Rebick (both former presidents), imploded once immigrant women and women of colour such as Sunera Thobani, Dolly Williams and Teri Brown demanded their place at the table; the irreconcilable tension that was created between women of colour and white women from the privileged classes was one of the main factors in NACSW’S dissolution.   

Feminism has not always been friendly to women like me either (white and “privileged” as I am), who chose to stay at home with their kids in an era where that was not necessarily an acceptable decision for feminists (even though feminists have always talked about the freedom of women to CHOOSE for themselves).  In fact, the statements that feminism has always advocated for SAHMs, and that any perceived tension between the two is in the past are patently untrue.  Simone de Beauvoir, the icon of second wave feminism, said “No woman should be authorized to stay at home to raise her children.”  More recently, women such as Camille Paglia and Elisabeth Badinter have written about feminism and its antagonism toward motherhood.  As recently as 2017, feminist writers picked up on the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development’s report that SAHMs were one of the biggest drains on the economy of Australia, with resulting articles acknowledging that feminism is not actually about choice, and suggesting that women have “employment responsibilities,” and that it should be illegal for women to stay at home once their children are in school.  Yes.  ILLEGAL.  Emma Johnson, an American business journalist, published a list of twelve ways that SAHMs hurt gender equality, suggesting that SAHMs need to suck it up and make choices that benefit the greater good (and her personally, of course).  All you have to do is type “feminism” and “stay at home moms” into the Google bar to find a wide range of articles, blogs, and posts by and about women who feel that feminism has let them down (one that I re-read recently is here), or that denigrate SAHMs.  

Personally, I have been told by a feminist that I was not contributing to society because I did not have a paying job.  I spent years volunteering (working for free) in schools and community groups that my children were part of, unlike many “working” moms; in fact, it was overtly suggested many times, mostly by other women, that because I “didn’t work,” it was expected of me.  I have been to countless social functions where women who had careers had nothing to say to me; after all, if I’m a SAHM it must be because I can’t get a job since I am uneducated or stupid or have nothing to say about anything other than my children; at least I could always talk sports with the men.   

So here we are again in 2020.  Once again, in the past couple of weeks, my personal experience as a SAHM has been dismissed by a feminist, and another feminist has mansplained to me that I should have found the overt sexuality of the Superbowl half-time show empowering, without really any explanation of how exactly it is empowering to an overweight 55-year-old who doesn’t dance very well.   

So. HERE’S MY POINT. You can talk ideologies, and theoreticals, and principles, and empowerment.  Feminism has been good to you and you have adopted its tenets, terminologies, and philosophies.  Fine.  That’s great.  That’s your truth, and it’s the truth for many women.  You can discuss and disagree with me about some of the ideas about feminism.  That’s okay too.   

But IT IS NOT OKAY to dismiss and deny the very real actual not-so-positive experiences that other women have had within the framework of feminism, at the hands of people who call themselves feminists.  By doing that, you are guilty of doing the exact same thing that generations of men have done, which is belittling and trivializing and denying the lived experiences of women.   

These attitudes and this dismissiveness… this is why, even though I fully support equal pay for equal work, equal opportunities, equal choice, and political, economic, and social equality for all women, I personally have a great deal of difficulty embracing the feminist label.